Why I Stopped trying to heal
Like so many of you, I am a seeker. And I imagine also, like you, I rarely find what I'm seeking… at least not for long. I have followed many paths to help me try to make sense of my past, my personality, and my pain, and yet it did not occur to me until recently that in my seeking to understand, I have been affirming the very thing I have sought to change.
A few months ago, I told my mentor that, yet again, I was struggling to get my needs met in a relationship, by which I was referring to my emotional needs. It is a struggle I have known since my childhood. After many years of self-study and therapy, I let go of blaming myself and blaming my parents and arrived at a place of compassion. Compassion certainly feels better than resentment or self-pity. However, I was still left with the pain of my needs not having been met, only now I wasn't so pissed off about it.
My mentor challenged me, asking, "Are you sure your needs weren't met? You are here, after all." I was stunned initially, but I couldn't argue with it. Did I, in fact, have needs that weren't met? Was I as lacking as I felt? And since I was born? And why did I feel entitled to have these supposed needs met and therefore feel deprived that they weren't? What a tragedy! Which pretty much sums up my whole healing journey over the past few decades… I have been trying desperately to "heal" from the lack and deprivation I experienced as a child and continued to experience in many of my closest relationships over the years.
My mentor's question proved why he is my mentor. It flipped the board on the mental, emotional, and spiritual game I had been playing with myself. He continued, "You have always been whole and complete and lacking for nothing." Say what? It definitely hasn't felt that way.
I have long enjoyed the mental gymnastics and intellectual entertainment of analysis. All of my studies over the years made me better and better at it. My prolific and expert analysis made me a fantastic storyteller with excellent character development and a lot of drama, but the healing journey never seemed to have an end. What would it mean to heal from my past? To heal from the lack I experienced?
Instead, my mentor was now suggesting I was never lacking anything in the first place!?! What would that mean for the whole of my life? For my quest for healing? For the pain, I clung to so tightly as the reason why I was so sad, upset, resentful, angry, disappointed, etc..… It blew something wide open for me. It sent me on a new path… the path of freedom.
What if I never lacked for anything? What if it was all a big misunderstanding? What if I don't lack for anything right now? How would I spend my time if I wasn't seeking, always seeking for something? When I ask myself these new questions, I get a new response… peace. Deep peace. And isn't that what I was seeking in "healing" all along? More to come, but if you have read this far, I hope my sharing supports you in asking some new questions, too. Peace is much closer than you imagine.