The Illusion of NEED
How I built my Identity Around Lack- and What happens When I let it Go?
When I say, "I have a need," I'm speaking about something I think is essential for me to feel okay. Therefore, I don't feel okay when I don't get what I need. If what I need must be supplied by another person (object, job, or situation), I now depend on that person (object, job, or situation) to show up as I see fit. If they don't, I feel deprived, and that person (object, job, or situation) is depriving me.
Clearly, now I have a problem because I want to feel okay, but I am convinced I can't unless my need is met. Now, I must solve my problem, and this is where things get interesting and entertaining in a complex and destructive kind of way.
To solve a problem, we often start by figuring out why or how things went wrong so that we can fix it and things go right. Here is a brief summary of the things I have done to fix the fact that I do not feel okay because I don't have what I need:
Decide I am the problem and try to fix what's wrong with me that prevents the other person from wanting to meet my needs.
I decide maybe I need too much, so I unconvincingly try to minimize or ignore my needs (Pssst, really, I was just suppressing them, because they were still right there under the surface, as was the pain of them being unmet.)
Maybe if I did a better job of meeting their needs, they would get a hint of how this game goes and start meeting mine. Monkey see, monkey do.
I tried to meet my own needs through "self-care" and "self-love," only to discover how insatiable my needs were. I did not feel okay for very long.
I figured the other person had blocks to meeting my needs, such as insecurities, past traumas, or a lack of relationship skills. I then valiantly went about trying to convince them of their problems, that it would be best for both of us if they solved them, and then came up with an easy-to-follow 5-point plan for how they could do it. I believed in them—if they would just believe in themselves!
I gave up! I surrendered to my Higher Power (I call my High Power God, but it might not be the same version as yours, and I'm cool with that). I didn't give up or surrender my needs to God; I gave up trying to solve my problem and asked God to do it. Now I was really screwed because if God couldn't do it (and It couldn't), then I was really hopeless.
Enter my mentor, asking me that mind-bending question: Is it true? Do you really need anything? Are you lacking anything?
As I mentioned before, I really wanted to argue with him. I have built a whole personality around the pain of my unmet needs and trying to solve this problem. Now he was suggesting I didn't have a problem at all
I had come to him with stories about what I was convinced I needed and was struggling to get. I was in pain, man! And this is what he offered me? But when I took a moment to check in, to be in that moment, across from him, in my own body and my own breath, lo and behold, he was right! At that moment, I didn't need a darn thing! I felt okay. I didn't feel like I was lacking or deprived of anything. I felt Peace.
As I've continued to explore the idea that I'm whole and complete and lack for nothing, I am often brought to tears. As I go deeper into the realization, I feel loved. Shoot, I am Love. At that moment, I felt nothing but Love toward the person I was sure was depriving me of feeling loved. It is really that easy (not really, but kind of). As all the wise sages and mystics say, it is as simple as waking up. All of the ways I struggle are illusions, a deprived and depraved world I have innocently and naively built.
I'm not suggesting I am Enlightened. Not by a long shot. Enlightenment would mean I was always living in that blessed and beautiful world. No, I am still infatuated, invested, and entertained by the illusional world I have created. Man, my mind is so busy trying to figure out a whole lot of problems that don't exist.
Now that I know the Peace that's possible, here's the new journey I'm on:
Knowing how amazing I can feel, when I leave that state, I feel deeply depressed and angry. Suddenly, that Beautiful state seems like the illusion and I find myself right back in Hell. This one is hard. Lots of tears.
Remembering the Peace and Love that's possible, I question the plethora of thoughts about my seeming problems and the various solutions I anxiously project onto a made-up world. I sit back and watch the show, get caught back up in the drama, then sit back again, and over and over, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up. In these moments, the waking up feels more neutral. No blissful fireworks, just no noise.
I intentionally create quiet moments of stillness when I practice feeling whole, complete, and lacking nothing. Love takes over, and again, tears, but this time the heart-overflowing happy kind.
So that's it. That's what's happening with me these days. It's its own kind of quiet chaos, but I feel like I'm on to something.